by Danielle De Angelis, NC Board Certified Family Law Specialist
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, as proclaimed by Congress in 1989. No one deserves to face trauma – whether physical or psychological – from an intimate partner. The impact of domestic violence is not limited to one community; it crosses all genders, ages, races, economic levels, religions, and more. If you are experiencing domestic violence in your relationship, know that it is not normal and that you have options.
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is an attempt by one person to control another. Domestic violence is more than just physical violence. In many relationships, domestic violence starts gradually, with the offender initially acting contrite and apologizing to the victim. In other cases, the offender blames the victim. The abuser may strike out physically, begin to isolate the victim from others, threaten to harm the victim’s children or pets, or stalk the victim.
Here are some warning signs and examples of domestic violence:
- Cutting off access to family and friends – isolating the victim from their support system.
- Attempting to control the person’s actions – for example, demanding the victim account for every minute not in the abuser’s presence or insisting on full access to that person’s social media, email or text messages.
- Demanding full control over the household finances, making it harder for the abused to leave the relationship.
- Acting extremely jealous or possessive. The abuser may call the victim constantly at work or push the person to quit their job. The abuser may even turn to stalking behavior.
- Pushing fault or blame onto others; abusers often blame someone else for every perceived problem – it’s never their fault. This includes the abuser blaming the victim for the abuse.
- Coming on too strong too early in the relationship. The reason many employers have a 90-day initial probation period is that it typically takes 90 days for someone’s true personality to come out.
- Acting cruelly towards animals or children is another red flag. Many abusers will torture or kill animals or harm children for minimal offenses.
- While physical abuse is an immediate warning sign, verbal abuse is also a red flag. If someone threatens you with harm, believe them.
These are only some of the signs you may be in an abusive relationship. Do not ignore that inner voice that keeps you safe.
When children are involved
Unfortunately, domestic violence can be generational. If someone grows up in a home where domestic violence is the norm, they are much more likely to be an abuser or to accept that abuse is normal. If you are in an abusive relationship, consider the impact of that trauma on your children.
Help is available
Getting away from an abuser can trigger further violence. It is important to use caution as you navigate your way to safety and resources that can help. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. Resources include:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Call: 800-799-7233
- Text BEGIN to 88788
- Domestic Violence Agencies by County in NC
- Resource Guides (English and Spanish)
Domestic Violence Protective Orders
If you need the court’s assistance to get away from an abusive situation or once you have escaped from an abusive situation, you may wish to file for a Domestic Violence Protective Order (or 50B Order). These orders may require your abuser to stay away from you, may grant you possession of a home or a car, and may grant you temporary custody of your children. He or she can be immediately arrested for violating the order. You may wish to talk with an attorney to learn more about your rights.
Divorce
Once you are ready to take the next step and file for divorce, you will want a strong divorce attorney in your corner. The divorce attorney will work to understand your situation and develop a plan to help you achieve the best outcome for yourself and any children involved. Schedule an appointment today with a qualified attorney to learn more.